the reality tunnel

HANGING OUT

I think this applies to 12/26/2000

I hung out with peter and tim today. It was good fun. We went to the coffee shop and talked and worked on a project called The Big Media List. The Big Media List is a compilation of our favorite movies, music, and books, along with summaries and analysis of why we think its so good. I really like making lists. It was fun, just sitting around the coffee shop shouting out our favorite movie titles, and bickering about what should and should not make the list. My friends at school often seem dismayed about my quickness to argument, but Tim and Peter embrace this and we have big fun. A bit later Ms. Billick showed up. She is a number of years older than me, having graduated when I was still in jr. high. However, I played soccer with her oldest brother, and played in a band with her younger brother, and she was my younger brother’s favorite substitute teacher so we were well acquainted. She added a few additions to our list and then we jumped into trivial pursuit. It was a rousing game, full of smack talking and heated competition. My brother and Peter take such games seriously it seems. I got off to an early lead but Tim and Ms. Billick soon caught up. Peter, a previously undefeated TP player went scoreless for much of the game. In end, to Peter’s dismay, Tim stole the victory, but it didn’t much matter. It was good fun. We then hit up Taco Bell for some nourishment. Between Patrick and Tim, I’ve eaten at Taco Bell more in these past weeks than in the whole last year. No problem though, it makes it seem like old times. We all went back to my house and watched Blue Velvet, which Ms. Billick had recommended. Tim and Peter hated the movie, but it really grew on me. I wrote a review of it over at the big media list. After the movie, we hung out and talked, and Peter made us play the writing game, where one person picks a title, another a beginning sentance, and another a final sentance and all players have a given time limit to write a short story with the given title, beginning sentance, and ending sentance. After the game, we talked for a bit before Tim fell asleep and I drove Peter home.

SNOWBOARDING AND THINKING ABOUT EROTICISM

I went snowboarding yesterday for the first time this season. While it was bitterly cold, the cool weather has allowed the resort to blow large quantities of man made snow over the substantial (at least for this time of year) natural snow we have received of late. As any skier knows more snow is always a good thing. The cold also seemed to keep the slopes relatively bare of other skiers making lift line non-existant. I was still a bit fatigued from the previous day and night’s foray to Philadelphia, but the cool air entering my lungs did a great deal to revive me. As I took the first run down the slope, I thought of one of the things I most love about sport. That is, the feeling of one’s body as it remembers how to peform a certain motion. There is the initial akwardness, the slipping of edges upon the ice before instinct, or rather years of prior repetition kicks in and balance is regained. The feeling is intense, slithering quickly between the moguls, making fast, sharp turns before exiting in a wide, sweeping turn leaving a mist of powder in your wake. I cut through all the slopes that I had boarded on so many times before, my body remembering their steepness and returning to the old lines found in seasons past. It was freedom, or as real and embodiment of such an abstract value as can be had for 16.20. It would have been significantly more were it not for the discount card I borrowed from my brother. As the card is officially non-transferrable, I thought that there might be a problem as the card has his picture on it. His solution, to simply tell the person at the ticket counter that the picture on the card was taken “before the accident!”

Unfortunately, the reason that I was able to use Tim’s card was that he was stuck at work. I tried calling my old bandmate and my ex-girlfriend, but Adam was financially strapped, and Lisa had to work. Snowboarding alone is a bit odd. Its certainly not as fun. The slopes, after the initial re-learning period, quickly lose their challenge, and its always more fun to have a buddy to start a race down the slope or challenge one to some large jump. At the smae time, riding alone gives one a lot of time to think when riding the lift. As I sat, my face wet from my running nose and the melting snow from the blowers, I found myself fixated on the move I had seen the day before, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. Not only that, but I was fixated on one scene in particular. One of the key characters in the movie is the young daughter of a wealthy official. While seemingly living the traditional role of a young chinese girl, she secretly trained to become a martial arts master. In one scene, while traveling through the breathtaking Gobi desert, her caravan is attacked by bandits lead by a charismatic young horseman. He steals from her a jade comb, and she spends the next minutes of the movie chasing him down and attempting to pummel the shit out of him to reagain her comb. I wish that my friends could have seen this scene as they might better understand my insistence that, in rare occasions, violence is the only way to accurately express certain emotions or ideas and that sex is not the pinnacle of intimacy or some right of passage in a relationship. As soon as the drawn out chase/fight scene begins it is clear that the two combatants have the hots for each other. The scene is one of the single most erotic things I have ever seen. Action and violence seem to be the perfect expression of that excitement that one feels when one is deeply attracted to another person. Similarly that sense of competition, the sparring, the blood and the sweat exemplify what I feel the perfect relationship would be. No, not someone to kick me around, but someone who challenges me, someone who makes me want to be better than I am, someone who fascinates me and captivates me by her skill and prowess. Later in the movie, there is a more traditional love scene, but it seems (and I would thing purposely) anti-climactic. It is clear that the two characters have already discovered and explored each other in a way that transcends the traditional role of eroticism. Sexual activity is an afterthought, a formality, something paling in comparrison to a larger expression of love and admiration. Thinking about that scene, I realized “that is what I want, that is how I want to feel, that is how I want to fall in love.” And there have been times I have experienced something like that feeling. When I have been talking to a girl and felt challenged and envigorated and alive. However, it seems, instead of rising to the challenge of sparking something mutually exciting, I sketch out, freak out and act stupid, afraid of the way such a girl makes me feel impressed and excited. Other times, my thirst for that competition, that challenge, becomes twisted into animosity which is, obviously, completely counterproductive. I don’t know what the solution is, and I don’t know how I can stop myself from continually shooting myself in the foot. I do, however, from my frosty contemplation, have a heightened awareness of that which would make me truly happy. As images of cinema and wisps of memory combined, they formed, for a moment, an image of perfection and of perfect contentment. The question, I suppose, is whether this idealization is, in fact, able to be solidified in reality, and moreover, if I will allow it do so.

EPIC DAY IN PHILLY

Originally Written 12.22.2000

Its rather late, and I just got in the door from a pretty darn epic day. My brother, along with two of his friends and myself spent a fun filled day in Philadelphia. The main objective of the day was to check out the newly released (at least in the states) martial arts film, Crouching Tiger, Hiden Dragon. While one might think it odd that we would drive so far just to see a movie, this film was well worth it. I love martial arts films, but this film really is one of the best I’ve seen in this genre. The fight scenes are choreographed by the same person who did the fight scenes for The Matrix. However, I feel that the fight scenes were far superior to those in the Matrix for two main reasons. The scenery used in the film is breathtaking. From ancient chinese villages to haunting deserts, to bamboo groves, these beautiful locations provide the perfect backdrop for the action. The second reason why the fight scenesare such a joy to watch is that the fighting seems to reflect the passion and the conflict of the actors. With a cast featuring such asian stars as Chow Yung Fat, Michelle Yeoh, and Zhang Ziyi the line between quality action and quality acting is a thin one indeed. The plot is also highly entertaining. It draws on elements of adventure movie, epic, and love story, even interspersing comedic segments. Watching the movie, I felt it ended far to soon. It was such a joy to watch. Again, the acting is incredible. I wish american action movies had plots and actors this good. This film had two of the best female protagonists I have ever seen in a movie in the action genre and it is really unfortunate that American movie producers can’t follow suit. Furthermore, issues such as violence and eroticism are done so passionately and tastefully it was really refreshing. While there are some mild love scenes involving one of the female protagonists, an action sequence proves to be the most erotic element in the movie. The action is simply staggering with minimum bloodbath factor and leaves one dizzy and amazed. If you see one movie this holiday season, this should be it. Drive two hours if you have to, its worth it.

In addition to seeing the movie, I got dinner at my favorite place in the whole world, the Singapore Vegetarian Kosher Chinese Restaurant in Chinatown. Good food, good service. Awesome.

After dinner, we went to a hardcore show. Schoolyard Bully played even though I heard a rumor they had been stuck in the south after their gear trailer broke down. I was glad to finally get to see this band, but they seemed a bit off fdue to the fact that they were using a replacement drummer. Dark Day Dawning played first and I thought they were pretty good. They’re from philly and played standard hardcore with some interesting melodic parts that reminded me a little of dillinger. Glasseater from FL played and they rocked really hard. Their punked-up hardcore was a nice acompanyment to the other bands who played that night. American Nightmare played an intense set, but I didn’t catch much of it as I was too busy trying not to get kicked in the head. Good Clean Fun played last. They were, well, good and fun. They played a number of my favorite songs like Coll-edge, A Song for the Ladies, Who Shares Wins, and the crowd was siging along for all of their set.

So yeah. It was a good time. A day I wish I could have over and over again.

TOKEN POST

Originally Written 12.21.2000

I’m running in total sleep deprivation mode and need to get some sleep soon. Last night was hella fun. In the afternoon, I gave my debate presentation for the hs kids. It went pretty well. Peter showed up and he was a big help as he was more familiar with the resolution and was able to give some concrete examples of the theory I was discussing. I think my presentation might have b52′d most of the kids, but hopefully it will at least give them some better perespective and exposure to some of the more challenging areas of debate so they won’t be defenseless in a round.

After that, I came home for a bit before I went out christmas shopping with one of my friends. We hit some of the book stores and toy stores and I was able to finish up much of my holiday shopping. It was pretty cool. My friend is a fun guy to hang out with regardless of the activity. Like tim and peter, he has such a huge knowledge base that any given event can prove to be the catalyst for a winding and interesting conversation. After shopping, we went back to panet and to taco bell for some late night pseudo-mexican cuisine. Aww-yeah. Its odd, my friend has such a repoir with people be it peers in his field or fast food workers at the taco bell, he can draw them into a conversation and be perfectly at ease doing so. In that respect its sort of exciting to hang out with because he is able to break down many of the barriers against communication that we as a society have built up thereby making life that tiny bit more like a richard scary book or something. After taco bell, we played zork for a bit. The thing about my friend is that he always seems to have a new passion or at least something new that has piqued his interest. This fact makes things unpredictable, interesting, and fun. His latest thing is this old-school, text-mode, role-playing/puzzle game called zork. The came takes natural language commands from the player to move the player through a virtual world where they player has to solve puzzles to navigate the realm and score points. Even for someone who was too young to really get into computer games before they were graphical masterpieces, I found the game instantly addictive. Unfortunately, I doubt I have the attention span to ever beat the game. We shall see, however, how that might change when I am back at school, looking for yet another reason to avoid doing work.

The other thing about zork that is cool, is that it is a good catalyst for discussions about how to extend the game, and for discussions concerning computers and natural languages and artificial intelligence in general. When this other employee who is also hella smart showed up, we had this great, just completely nerdcore conversation, and it was terriffic fun. We stayed up until the wee hours of the morning doing a system upgrade of some of the ISPs boxes and talking about various computer, programming, and logical topics. It was big fun. However, now it has left me rather tired. I need to go get some sleep because tomorrow I go off to Philly to watch crouching tiger hidden dragon, and to go to a hardcore show. More on this later …

WASTING TIME AT COLLEGE

Originally Written 12.21.2000

I was just thinking about hanging out with one of my friends a bit more. He went to a local university this quarter and absolutely hated it. When he first told me this, I jumped to the conclusion that it was just a cop out. He never really enjoyed school too much. However, his disdain for university life was very similar to what I am experiencing. That is, being fed up with frat boys and other sheep and being bummed out at the boring, homogenous culture that many universities offer. Luckily, my friend is going to the local community college until next fall and then transfering down to a much more liberal and hopefully more interesting school in north carolina.

That brings me to another interesting issue. When I talked to him about his experiences at college. He spoke with great disdain about the drinking scene at his school. This really took me aback. I mean this kid was one of the most hard-core drinkers I knew. Talking to him more, however made me realize a difference between kids who I grew up with and were friends with and came from Carlisle and most kids at universities. There was a good deal of drugs and alcohol growing up, and a lot of people, including many of my close friends, partook in these things. I think, however, coming from a small town, most kids who do drugs and alcohol do it because there really isn’t a whole lot that one can do. When the community could care less about the youth, when school gets boring that’s what some people turn to. The people I cared most about however, in my mind, never seemed to lose sight of the fact that there were better things to do than get smashed. There was skating, and music, or just crazy random fun of the kind that only really bored kids from small towns can come up with. When you go to college, you run into kids who drink for the sake of drinking. You run into kids who have convinced themselves that using drugs is the coolest thing in the world to do and who define their identities by that activity. The thing is though, most of these kids don’t know the first thing about substance abuse. I know kids who drank every day throughout the latter part of high school. I know kids who bit off a bit more than they could chew when it came to drugs. Most of the kids I know at college are just playing. They don’t know the first thing about drugs or booze. What they miss is that drugs aren’t something you do for the sake of doing. They’re a last resort. Even my friend who is by no means straight-edge recognized the stupidity of people drinking their way through college. Particularly for me, I mean, I go to school in a big city with a million and one things to do, and all a lot of college kids want to do is go out and get drunk or high. What the fuck? Why pay big bucks to go off to school to do something that you could do for next to nothing in a million and one rural towns across america? I don’t get it. College is supposed to be a time when you grow, when you have new exciting experiences in new strange places. When you have a chance to explore unencumberred by parents or teachers. But it seems like so many people are oblivious to that fact. It reminds me of when I went on a high school trip to europe. Some of the kids were trashed for most of the trip. I didn’t understand it. You paid thousands of bucks to go see this continent with such great art and such old, exciting cities and all you want to do is someting that you could do for 5 bucks back home? Its fucked up. I’m someone who hasn’t had a lot of exciting opportunities. I think of kids who went frequently to exotic places or went of too prep school and I am jealous. I have been around enough, and have had enough opportunity, however to understand that the world is a big, exciting place and that one ought to soak up everything they can in their short time allotted on this planet. That’s why I get so angry when I see people squander what is one of the few times in their life that they can be largely free doing something so banal as drinking or doing drugs. I just don’t get it.

OLD FIRENDS

Originally Written 12.18.2000

Got a call from my friend and ex-bandmate this afternoon. He wanted to have a bit of a Fallout reunion. Unfortunately, Alicia, the bass player is off studying art in Rome, and Mark, the drummer is busy working for a software company. So we got one of Adam’s friends to fill in on bass and Adam played drums. It was a good time. The playing was a bit sloppy, and I was embarrased at my lack of improvisational skill and overall technical proficiency with the guitar, but I still had fun. It’s amazing to just sit and watch these guys play. After the session, we went to another kid’s house and my friend brought along his guitar and played there as well. Growing up, there were always guitars everywhere and we would play and listen and sing. Hearing my friends play reminded me of that. Its crazy. Every time I hear them play it seems that they’re better and better.

Its odd seeing my friend again for the first time in 2 years. We were pretty tight, in fact he was the first kid I met in third grade when I moved to PA. However, after I got a girlfriend and went off to college, we grew apart. The cool, and slightly odd thing, which I’ve found to be universal to many of my experiences coming home, at least with friends, even old ones, is that there was no awkwardness. It was as though we just picked up where things left off 2 years ago. Certainly we’ve both changed and I was very surprised as my friend seems to have gained a heightened perspective on life. He’s back in school and making plans for the future which is really cool. I hate to see people get stuck in Carlisle when they have so much talent.

So after the jam session, we went over to another kid’s house (who I had also not talked too in years) and hung out, talked and watched some football. It was really cool and indicative of the social scene. These are kids that I knew, but was never super tight with, however there was no awkwardness and we spent a fun couple of hours doing what we always used to do, sitting around with nothing to do making the best of a boring town. A little later, one of my good friends showed up which was a definite bonus. Eventually, we got bored and left to try to find a fire in town that had been reported by the news. We didn’t find the fire, so we went to an all night diner and ate some food while talking about various goofy things. I really miss the charismatic, witty convesation that I had so often growing up and it was good to be able to just hang out like old times. This is really the first time that I’ve been home for more than a week in 2 years, and I’m glad that I got together with some of my friends. As we grew apart, I was really a bit afraid to get in touch with some of these kids because I didn’t want to deal with akwardness or have to face the fact that important friendships were completely over. However, tonight once agian supported a reality that I still have a difficult time accepting: its better to just confront potentially uncomfortable or painful situations. Sure, things could turn out bad, and one’s worst expectations could be confirmed, however avoiding such things also means that one misses out on a great number of things. I’m glad that I didn’t miss out tonight.

CHRISTMAS TREE HAIKU

Went out with Tim and my mom to get a Christmas tree today. It took significantly less time than when we used to go with my father (he was a perfectionist who could never decide on the right tree). Tim and I wrote a haiku about the tree. Here it is:

norway spruce stands tall
pillar of forest beauty
bushy green phallus

717 HXC IS ALIVE AND WELL

Just got back from a real fun night. I spent all day hacking on my perl/sybase code so by the evening I was psyched to get out of the house. I hooked up with Tim and we headed towards the school to check out a hardcore show featuring one of his friend’s band. The show was at a little place in Boiling Sprngs called the shack which is located in this alley behind the school. The shack is a small venue with a surprisingly good sound system that the owner uses for shows and youth group meetings. This was the first show I had ever been to at the venue (most of the past shows were primarily christian acts) and it was definitely a fun time. The first band to play was Disengaged from Anneville. They played a tight set of hardcore that got everyone moving and they finished it off with a clever and well executed cover of frosty the snowman. Get sick! The next two bands to play were pretty weak the first was just a bad rock band from Perry county who were very sloppy, played mostly covers of 80s songs, and had pretty bad vocals. At least they were having fun. The next band was also from Perry county and they played super-fast punk rock. Unfortunately, they weren’t very tight at all and sounded pretty poor. Hopefully they’ll practice more and be tighter and more enjoyable when I come home next time. The show was closed out with an awesome performance by Carlisle hardcore band Louder Than Words. My brother’s friend Mike (who is the younger brother of the girl who played bass in my band as well as the younger brother of the drummer from Schoolyard Bully) is in the band and another kid I know from hs plays bass. I had heard their demo CD and it was intriguing, but didn’t blow me away. Their live set was above and beyond my best expectations. The band had significantly tightened up from the demo CD and their frontman seemed to have unbridled energy as they blasted through an intense set of positive hardcore. They worked the small crowd into a frenzy and verified that the torch had indeed been passed from great Carlisle hardcore bands like Rightstart and Reaching for Tomorrow to a new generation of bands. It makes me wish that I was living in Carlisle again. Just the excitement of all the kids and the diversity of the kids in the scene is really exciting and is indicative of everything that I love about independent punk and hardcore music. These bands are striving for a dream and the music offers a truly positive outlet in an otherwise somewhat dismal community. Its nice to see that the scene that played such a huge part in shaping me as a person is still around for other kids.

It was a bit odd, however, as it seemed that the group of kids at the show was completely different from the kids who I hung out and went to shows with during my time in hs. Save for a few of my brother’s friends, I didn’t know anybody. I guess that’s really indicative of how the Carlisle scene works. The scene thrives on the hard work and passion of a couple of great kids and bands and then dies out when they move on to other things. Then, a few years later, a new group of kids discovers the scene and reinvents it for themselves. Its really kind of neat and exciting like that. On one hand you have sort of a tradition, but at the same time, you have something fresh and new and exciting. Going to the first local d.i.y. show in a long time its really great to see that the things that meant so much to me when i was younger are still there for other kids, but at the same time it leaves me feeling just a tiny bit connected. Oh well, it was still an amazing show.

After the show, I left with Tim to go to one of his friend’s house to hang out and watch movies and whatnot. I am generally easily loath to that sort of thing, but after and intense hardcore show, sitting back and chilling is just the ticket. That’s one of the great things about the Carlisle scene. You go to a show, and sure you see the kids in their perfect youth crew gear or spiked leather jacket. At the same time however, you see more mainstream kids who just happen to be friends with the bands, as well as the younger siblings and parents of the band members. Its really a neat diverse mix and it makes the shows more fun. Its definitely one of the things missing from the shows in Columbus. I’ve lived there for 2 years and I still don’t feel like I’m part of the whole scene. The Carlisle scene is all about fun and not about politics. It’s warm and inviting and withouth pretense. But I digress … What was really odd is how Tim’s friends have changed. I don’t really notice the changes that Tim has undergone, because I’ve always been around him and I suppose one just overlooks gradual change. However his friends, who had always to me seemed like just, well, Tim’s friends, now have transformed into real people. Real people with girlfriends, plans for the future, and memories of the past. Real people about to embark on the tumultous journey that I myself have only recently undertaken. Needless to say, it was significantly less akward hanging out with them than in the past which is fortuitous as I’ve severed most of my relationships with the crowd I hung out with in hs but still like to have people to hang out with when I come home. The kid’s basement was totally tech, just an array of old ghetto televisions and VCRs rigged up to gaming consoles. A total nerd valhalla. The kid calls it his fortress of solitude. We were going to watch the tapes of the dune miniseries, but the VCR had a mind of its own so we ended up just talking and watching the classic teen comedy “Better Off Dead”. All in all it was a completely fun night. A true Boiling Springs night. I’m going to go read a bit and then go to sleep, perfectly content

MP3 OF THE WEEK - DRIVING HOME BY HOT WATER MUSIC

The other day when I was at Wal-Mart, I ran into a punk rock kid from the old Carlisle scene. Some of my friends dismiss my clothing with patches as bullshit posturing, but it sure is a great mechanism for starting conversation. We reminisced about the old Carlisle scene and all the great bands and shows that we had gone to. He also told me about a record store in Mechanicsburg. Yesterday, I had a chance to check out the record store, and it is indeed as cool as he said it was. It’s called BeSides and it’s right next to Market Street Music on the main drag in Mechanicsburg. Check it out. They deal primarily in punk, indie, and hardcore, and vintage vinyl and have a nice selection of both CDs and 7″s from those genres. I can imagine a parent walking into the place asking for a Britney Spears CD and getting their head bitten off, a scene straight out of Nick Hornby’s High Fidelity.

I ended up buying two great CDs: Bitter Tongues by Richmond punk rock outfit Ann Beretta, and No Division by Gainesville gods Hot Water Music. Both CDs are excellent in their own respect with Ann Beretta playing the straight-up danceable punk rock (reminiscent of One Man Army) that I love and Hot Water Music playing moody, intense music that blends hardcore, emotional, and punk rock together into a hard-hitting package.

The song I’ve selected for this week is Driving Home by Hot Water Music. Some of my friends really dislike girttier, hardcore influenced music, but I contend that there are some situations that cannot be described and some emotions that cannot be expressed by four chord power pop or by rock and roll guitar solos. This song is the perfect example of this. This past quarter has been the singular hardest period of my life, and this song captures the feelings of self-doubt and anguish that have plagued me over the past few months. However, in the end, the message of the song is overwhelmingly positive, which is really what I need: someone to say “yeah, I’ve been through this”, but also “we can make it”. The song is here and the lyrics are below:

i know the sink and the rot gut feeling, “is this happening to me?” and i know what it’s like to want to end it all driving home between the lines in the road, i swear that i’ve been through this before when nothing makes much sense except for doing yourself in razor blades are hard to hold when we’re hit in th heart with problems that won’t shift. it’s hard to admit that we’re afraid when we’re hit in the head with unanswered questions that repeat, “how could I ever live after this day?” we can take the hits and grow tougher collect ourselves to live longer and find there is no need to be afraid because we all have more to offer when we struggle to cope with whatever it takes to make the days we all have what it takes to make it home

CHANGES

If one looks carefully at this site, one will see that there have been some changes. I’ve scrapped my handwritten weblog perl scripts in favor of using the very cool blogger. It makes things a little bit easier on me in terms of maintainance and archiving, and it makes it very easy to create a site such as this. I strongly encourage all of you to check it out and maybe create a weblog/journal of your own.

The web page, unfortunately, isn’t the only change that’s going on in my life right now. I find that as a person I feel that I am changing, and in many ways that I can’t do anything about. I’ve been spending a great deal of time with my brother and with his friends from school, either hanging out, or helping with his quiz bowl and debate teams. While things feel natural with my brother, and his close friends, the younger kids completely frighten me. I have no idea who these kids are, and likewise they have no idea who I am. High school legacies are fleeting I guess. Additionally, it seems as though everyone I know has finally graduated. There’s really no more ties to that part of my life. Scarier still, the younger-younger siblings of the people I associated with are no longer the small children I remember, but independant teenagers. I look around and I envy them. I envy their energy, their naivite, and the fact that they have more choices ahead of them than I have. Erin might say that I still have 3/4 of my life to live, but the bottom line is, I’ve already made some choices that could impact my life forever, and set myself on a course that if strayed from could have dire consequences. The youth I see around me still have those choices ahead, they still have a more firm control of their collective destinies. I wish I could just take every one of those kids aside and tell them everything. Tell them all the mistakes I have made, all the regrets I have, all the triumph and all the tragedy in the hopes that it will somehow help them make decisions which will allow them to avoid this paralyzing saddness and uncertainty that I am now faced with. I think it would be nice to be a teacher, parent, or perhaps a catcher in the rye. One has less time to reflect on one’s problems when one has to look out for someone else. I’ve found when i’m at home I take a much more positive tone, if only to try help out my brother who is arguably more mopy than me. The problem with being around youth like that, however, is that one becomes acutely aware of one’s growing seperation from youth. College kids, for the most part, seem so restrained, so boring, so lifeless, at times, but at the same time, I can’t hekp but feel a bit odd sitting around with 14 year olds. So yeah, to recap. The first change is that I’m getting older, and in all honesty, I don’t like that.

The second change that I’ve noticed is this area, central PA. Since the last time I was home, we now have both a Barnes and Nobles and a Borders. There is a Zany Brainy too, and new stores and facades abound at the mall. In my community, new housing developments are springing up, bringing hordes of families that I will never know. The new middle school has finally been built (even the middle school kids refer to its design as prison-like). Dammit, even the road that I live on was re-paved so I can no longer zoom down its smooth hill on my skateboard.

Still, though much has changed, there is still a great deal that remains the same. The stomping grounds of my childhood, the center of town, the bubble, the A+ and the Uni-Mart, remain unchanged. As I drive through my town, all 30 seconds of it that is, despite the short drive, every damn corner offers some significant memory from my childhood. I have much lamented growing up in a small, conservative community, but like it or not, this is my home, it has shaped me and will forever be part of who I am. I lived the majority of my life on these streets, among these mountains and forests, among these people. So yeah, here’s the big change. It seems that this summer, after my brother’s graduation from high school, my parents plan to sell the house and my mom will move out to Ohio to be with my dad. I’m not trying to be selfish. This seperation has been hard on them, I’m sure, and I’m glad that they’ll be able to start things out again, take a new direction in their lives. However, that leaves me without any home base. As I’ve gone away to college out of state and lived in far away places like Austin, I’ve realized how itinerant my lifestyle is, and also that it will no doubt become moreso. Still, I always had a home base, a place where things changed, but changed slowly. A place that was familiar and safe. Now, it looks like that will be over. Sure my parents will have a new place and they’ll be there, but the neighborhood won’t be my neighboorhood, the streets won’t be my streets, the ball fields and parklands won’t be the same ones that I played soccer upon or trod barefoot upon in the spring. It will be their life, not mine. And its rough. I mean for my parents, PA was just a drop in the bucket. They had lived many places before, and it was just another gig. They’re ready to move on and try something new. But for me, Boiling Springs, PA is most of what I know. It’s all I have. I don’t know what I’ll do. Now, I often define myself by my hometown. “Where are you from?”, they ask. “PA,” I respond. But when my parents leave, that really won’t be true any more. Another thing, I find that when I come home, I don’t really remember the house any more, that is, where things are kept, what stairs creak, which hinges squeek. I can’t imagine having to learn another house when my parents move. It feels as though my entire safety net is being thrown away. The ties that have been stretched so thin already are being severed in one final, mighty slash. But what will I do to replace them? The community I have at college seems tenous at best. Nothing seems more than temporary, nothing seems like it isn’t disposable. People go in and out of my life so quickly. I just wish that I could still have that seperate, slow moving world going on, as if in a parallel dimension, that I could go back to when I needed something solid and unyielding. Something strong and comforting.

So things have changed. And I’m sure, to some degree, I’ve changed. But what do I do now? The rules are thrown out. Hell, they whole playing field has been bulldozed. How does one build a life from scratch? I don’t know and it scares the hell out of me.