The Morning After
Umm, yeah, for most college kids I suppose the phrase the morning after has some sort of conneciton to massive alcohol consumption or sexual impropriety. I guess for me, partaking in neither of the aforementioned activities, it takes on a different conotation. It’s just that when I have fun, when I have a really nice experience, I’m completely incapable of just saying “gee, that was fun. That was great.” and just being happy with that. I’m always reminded, or perhaps, I always remind myself how fleeting moments like that are and I find myself terribly sad.
Yesterday afternoon I had a practice debate round with Varu and I think I beat her even though she defintiely out spoke me. We hung out for a while at my house and I gave her some echinatia [sp?] tea as she is fighting illness. I feel so akward every time I bring someone by the house who isn’t in my big friend group, It’s just kind of weird. So then we picked up her friend Erin who I know from a couple of CIS classes, and went to this nice vegan restaurant in town called Dragonfly. They have a very limited menu, and are pretty expensive, but the place is excellent. The service was very good, we had this really funny sort of sissy waiter who took the time to explain everything to us and our water glasses were always full. I ordered this dish that was seitan w/ carrots, celery, and onions in a faux wine/meat sauce topped with horseradish mashed potatos. It was super filling and really, really good. I don’t get out much in Columbus, but it’s nice to know that when I do get out, at least there is one place that I can feel like it’s mine. The prices put it behind Singapore Vegetarian Chinese as my all time favorite restaurant, but it’s a close second.
So, after we ate, it was really funny eating actually, because Varu and Erin are very childish together and like sharing food off of each other’s plates and stuff. It’s really funny, if I didn’t know them, I’d probably take them for a really cute lesbain couple or something, I don’t know. It’s good to have friends that you can just have good inoccent fun with though, I think that’s really important. So after we ate, we went back to Erin’s and just hung out and talked. It was pretty cool, I hope I didn’t monopolize the conversation too much. It’s weird they were very inclusive, I just hope that I wasn’t like a third wheel. Varu and Erin are really good friends and I don’t think they get to hang out very much so I hope that I wasn’t getting in the way. So we hung out and talked about life, relationships, books, This American Life (yay!), and whatnot. It’s cool to have really good conversations, I liked it a lot. I don’t know, it seems that I converse/get along better with girls these days. At school, I guess I don’t really have any super close guy friends.
So yeah, basically I had a really fun night. I like eating good vegan food, and I like just sitting around talking with smart people. The thing that I guess I just can’t get over is that it seems so temporary. I only have experiences like that every once in awhile. It also makes me feel lonely in the relationship sense. Hanging out with girls is hard like that. It’s not as though I am sad because these girls are my friends and not my girlfriends. In fact, I’m totally satisfied with our relationship as friends. The thing is, I’m sitting and having what I think are some pretty good conversations, having a great time, but at the same time I’m just thinking, this is what I would want a romantic relationship to be like. So what’s the difference, if I can get the stuff that matters to me from non-romantic relationships, why is it so hard? I don’t know. I can’t put my finger on it. I’d like to think that’s its something other than just the primal urge for possession, to have an amazing girl that I don’t have to share with anybody, but who know’s, beneath it all, I could just be a really tired, simple man. However, I think it’s more that I want to be desired. Like it’s one thing to have people who like you and respect you as a friend and I think you can have really deep and intimate friendships, but I think its something else to be desired. I dunno, it’s hard to say that’s what I want as I don’t think I’ve ever been sought after by any girl that really mattered, but I just think it would be really nice to have some girl just be totally smitten with me. Not the image that society makes of me, not the false bravado that I try to wrap myself up in, but the real me, the one with all it’s imperfections and flaws. I just want a girl who can recognize that despite all the bullshit that I throw about, the arguments, the constant verbal sparring, the neurotic comments, the anger, that I’m trying really hard to be the best person I can be, I’m trying really hard to leave some lasting positive impression on this world and I just think it would be nice to meet someone who recognizes that and brings out the best in me. (wow, that sounded incredibly sappy). Basically, in the end, even after a night of hanging out with people I really like (in terms of friendship), I still feel very alone.