carnage, sunlight, foot in my mouth
originally written 06.10.2002
end of the year (for me june has always had more significance than january in terms of the changing anum) means end of the year pranks. so it all goes back to pete bringing home a super soaker type water gun. so of course we got engaged in a flat water battle and i got toally soaked. but, in addition to that, rob made an offensive against the girls in flat 8. not to be outdone, the next morning, anais nonchalantly came into our flat, walked to the sink, filled a pint glass with water and dumped it on rob. today rob got her back by squirting her with the water gun while she was obliviously engaged in conversation. but the real point of all that buildup is that rob suspected that iain (who gets on with the girls upstairs exceptionally well) had tipped off the girls that rob was responsible for the initial aquasault on flat 8. so rob was out for vengence, and i think he always fancies a good prank anyway (he did after all go on and on about the amount of urine that was unknowingly consumed on his rugby tour over easter break). after iain shaved a penis into my head, i, of course, had to initiate some form of reprisal. rob made the suggestions of a technique often cited in prank lore, but never, at least in my or rob’s case, executed: laxatives. so we made morning run to the mall to get laxatives, minor groceries, and nick hornby novels. to our chagrin, we found mainly wussy natural laxitives – not the kind of harsh chemicals that were sure to inflict carnage on our naive flatmate’s bowels. back at the flat, i employed the crush-pills-with-one’s-student-id technique i learned freshman year from watching (i’d totally have sex with dave mathews but i’m not gay) mike to crush the laxatives into a fine powder which we added to various beverages that iain was likely to consume. we put two 5 kg tablets in his cherry coke, and 5 tablets in his milk. he consumed the coke throughout the day, but not the milk. rob was really disappointed. i think he expected south park-esque explosive diarrea right away. well, by the time evening had come, iain was getting a lot more regular, and after he drank the milk i knew we were in for some fun. luckily, i think we got the dosage right so as to cause discomfort but not danger. i was a bit worried because you always hear the urban legeands designed to prevent such antics, but to be honest, the results are amusing but not spectacular. there’s no spontaneous excrement. iain described the experience (unknowingly of course) as having controllable but watery shits. rob managed to convince him it was on account of bad kung pao chciken from the chinese dinner we had last night. to be honest, i feel quite bad and am having some sympathetic indigestion myself.
so i’m going to have to eat some crow here. i tend to watch movies with iain quite a lot as he’s a movie addict. the thing is though, he’s one of the most unprejudiced people i have ever met, so he can even enjoy a cheesy british werewolf flick without criticizing it. so, tonight we just got some cheesy movies, both of which turned out to be completely entertaining. “zoolander”, a comedy written, directed, and starring ben stiller was a film that came highly recommended by tim, but that i thought looked like normal hollywood drivel. it’s one of those movies that is really good buck just has shitty trailers. the movie just ended up being a great satire of the fashion industry and is one of the most consistantly funny movies i’ve seen in awhile. we also watched “bring it on” which wasn’t exactly good, but was at times so cheesy that one couldn’t help but like it. for example the cheating college boyfriend saying “but you’re not my sister” to his dorm room bed buddy, as well as the token street girl from “east compton” saying “you’ve been touched by an angel girl” cracked me up and caused both phrases to enter my vocabulary. the movie was fun, and it’s good to see the punk rocker get some ass every once and awhile, even if it is on the silver screen. too bad it’s still the cheerleader. though, sadly, i must confess, in my high school days i wasn’t without secret affections towards the more intelligent and academically minded cheerleaders.
it’s 4am and already starting to get light out. the sun doesn’t set until after 10. it’s cool, but completely destroys my sleep patterns.