spring crushes
the weather is nice consistently now and everybody around, myself included, seems to be in a better mood. i ride my bike all over town and don’t hate it because my fingers no longer feel as if they will have to be amputated due to frostbite. there have been soccer games and four square games, late night bike rides and hanging out on the porch at shows. it’s a good season after a long, cold winter. oh yeah, and it seems like i have a crush on just about everybody.
it’s been a while since i’d acknowledge that i was struck by a proper crush, but now, i’m awash with a bunch. there’s the didn’t know it was a crush until someone mentioned something and you found yourself suddenly blushing, the impressed/intrigued with someone crush, the sort of known a person for a while but suddenly you find yourself extra excited when you hear they’re going to be somewhere, and on and on and on … it’s confusing and stupid and nice all at once.
the part i don’t like about having a crush on somebody is that there always feels as if there’s something unfair about it. like i have certain feelings about a person but they don’t even know about it. i have this curiosity about them, wondering what they think about, wondering how they’d react to things, their oppinions, and then into the trouble regions, what they think of me or even what it would be like making out with them. so these thoughts start running through my head and it just feels like it’s violating some implicit trust. like they’re just having a normal interaction with me and i’m thinking about it with an added layer of confusion and complexity. i don’t like it. i guess maybe everybody feels this way sometimes. i just wish i could know for sure so i wouldn’t feel so creepy.
the other thing is, i’m not so sure i know how to properly have a crush. i know that when i was younger, i was under the impression, and i’ll warn you that this is ridiculous, that a crush either ended in some serious relationship, being summarily rejected, or just being left in a state of agonizing confusion. pretty stupid. i just hope that maybe now that i’m older and wiser i can appreciate a crush for itself and freak out about what it’s going to turn into. i just want to enjoy being really excited about people and that’s it.
ok. enough of that nonsense. now i can get back to really enjoying the nice weather. there’s soccer to be played and shows to sneak into.