this is going to be cryptic as hell, because i’m not sure if it belongs on the internet, but 1) this is my only form of self documentation and 2) i can keep secrets, but i don’t always like to, especially when they’re (mostly) my own.
i feel like i’ve been shocked by the capacitor on the flash circuit of one of these over and over until i’m dizzy and maybe not completely coherant, and that’s not neccessarily a bad thing. i’m just confused, and again, not neccessarily in a bad way, but i have a feeling that i have to be very careful so i don’t fuck up something good. i feel like i’m suddenly preoccupied with something which is awesome and really great, but intellectually or rather sensibly, i don’t want to by preoccupied with that thing to extent that it’s something that i think about all the time and rearrange my life around. it’s hard because that’s exactly what i want to do in the short term, but in the long run, experience has told me that that’s not how i want things to be. so i just have to be cautious and i think things could be amazing or at least different and special.