I want what I want. We all do, I guess, and I just happen to surround myself with people who are willing to admit that. On one Defiance, Ohio tour, bored in the van, we broke out the guitar and went around exchanging verses, teasing each other about the things that we secretly (or not so secretly) desired. The other night in Brooklyn, Ryan voicing his frustration about the reality of setting up, playing, and getting everyone at the show cleared out in 20 minutes was transformed by the rumor mill as “We’re Defiance, Ohio and we get what we want!” We may want what we want, and each of us is frustrated in our own ways when that doesn’t happen, but we definitely don’t always get what we want.
On this tour, its been hard for any of the 30 or so of us to get what we want. Some people want to feel more safe on the bus, others want to go swimming, others want more sleep, or better sleep, while others want to eat when they’re hungry instead of when there’s time. Even when you get pretty much what you want, its hard to see your friends not getting what they want. Because, isn’t that what we all want more than anything? An easy, perfect world where resources are not finite and where one persons desires don’t mitigate another’s?
What I want, on this tour at least, is to be more of a part of the things that I see that excite me or inspire me instead of being this passing observer. Ryan would tell me that this is stupid and that I am a part of these things but just in a different, less easily identifiable and less easy to pat myself on the back way. Maybe he’s right. What I want is to be able to take some of the inspiration and ideas that I get from seeing so many people and places and having so many conversations, both with people I meet and with my tourmates and do something right away with them instead of being stuck with this bus and this routine. I want to do things while the ideas still seem fresh and possible because I know that the responsibilities that I’ve put off from back home will catch up to me and quell my momentum like an anchor as will the tug of daily life and fun for fun’s sake. Ryan would say that this is stupid and that the festering and the waiting is what makes ideas into things that are better in the end and that having to balance them, or preserve them with other things pulling at your life makes the things that you make better. Again, maybe he’s right.
Still, it feels like that’s the rub of tour. Lots of inspiration, little that can be done with it. I’ve gotten to do some just for fun stuff, though that makes me forget about frustrations, at least for a little. These are things like skate sessions in Binghamton and Philly or hiking and a nighttime trip to the water in Maine. These things seem so necessary as the days leading up to them always seem so stressful. I’ve gotten to see old friends and I think that maybe being around so many people all the time has made me feel a little less awkward and a little better at conversation so I can appreciate these friends a little more than on my other travels.
So, I can’t complain about not getting what I want. Most of the time I don’t really know what I want, necessarily, so I guess I don’t really know whether or not I’m getting what I want. Ultimately, I get to do some things that are pretty fun and hang out with some people who are pretty nice and that’s always a good thing.